Broken Loved Restored (My Story)

Introduction:

Hi I’m Linda – a grateful believer in Jesus Christ – I am a Child of God who has struggled and worked through my codependency, the effects of abandonment and abuse from childhood and adulthood family dysfunction, along with love and relationship issues.

I am currently working on control, perfection, the need for others' approval, self-centeredness, healthy communication, trust, and residual fears.

There’s a quote that I heard once, and it speaks

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Healing is on the other side of fear. Freedom is on the other side of fear.”

I am all too familiar with fear because fear has run my life for years.

I think about the journey of Moses and the Israelites, in Exodus 3:10 we read that God told Moses he was chosen to lead the Israelites out of their slavery. But Moses did not feel he was capable of such a big job and was fearful of what God was asking Him to do. But God promised Moses, HE will be with HIM all the way and God always keeps His promises!!!!

I can only imagine the fear the Israelites were feeling as well. Probably fear is why they chose the long way through the wilderness, due to their possible own hurts, hangups and habits such as control, complaining, disbelief, feelings of abandonment and etc.  There was even a moment in their journey where many of them while in the wilderness thought maybe it would be better for them to go back to Egypt.

I remember thinking that in my first year of coming to Celebrate Recovery eight years ago. I thought, wouldn’t it just be easier to go back to what I knew, what was comfortable to me, even though I was in bondage and slavery to my hurts, habits and hang-ups.

Isn't that just like us humans to always think it's easier to default on our old unhealthy behaviors rather than work on forming new healthy behaviors.

Why is that?

For me, there was a time in my life that in my hurts, habits and hangups is where I felt the most comfortable. This is because one of my childhood hurts of abandonment  left me with not liking the feelings of the unknown, of what was going to happen next, which created hangups of insecurity, uncomfortableness and unhealthy habit of controlling everything around me. The need of controlling of always be in the know  made me feel comfortable, in control and a sense of security. Which in reality, I learn later on in recovery this was a false security, I had created as a child to feel safe.

The other part struggle I had coming to Celebrate Recovery is the fear, I didn’t know what my inner self or my life was going to look like on the other side of the recovery journey. I didn’t know if I would even know myself let alone like this new person on the other side of breakthroughs and healing.

I asked God to show me it ALL so I could feel more secure and comfortable, but God didn’t show me the whole path because HE knew it would overwhelm me and I would try to find a short cut to get their sooner.

The Brokenness Journey

My feelings of insecurity and not feeling safe with people and myself, I have now discovered it started at the age of three, when God rescued me out of that unhealthy, dysfunctional home and set my feet on solid ground into a new home to be raised by my dad's parents AKA grandparents who eventually adopted me a couple years later.

After the removal of the age of three, I did not see my biological mom or siblings again until I was 23 years old. This as I know was my first traumatic event in my life of separation.

Years later my grandma told me that when I came to live with them, I did not talk for almost 6 months. I often would open the refrigerator door to check to see if food was still there, not saying a word, then one day. I uttered the words mine? and my grandma said, yes it’s all yours and will still be there tomorrow. I smiled big, started talking and have not been quiet since.

My grandparents were in their early 50’s, when I came to live with them. Ironically, writing this testimony this year I am in my early 50’s. This is so surreal for me.

A little about my grandparents; my grandma raised me to know the word of God, my grandfather had retired from serving in the military for 31 years, therefore I lived in a structure, military home. Both of my grandparents taught me honor, respect for others, your word was your Integrity, and you work hard in life to be successful. The more educated you were according to my grandpa the more important and successful you will be in life. Hence why have I put a lot of value into degrees and pursued my first two for that reason.

God was important to my grandmother and according to her - you needed God in everything, HE is your protector and provider. She would always tell me seek HIM first, Linda Lee and all else will fall into place. It was an interesting fulfilling dynamic marriage and household I grew up in to say the least in the small Texas town during the 70’s and 80’s, with a population of about 1100, if that.

I can remember as early as five years olds having this special connection with God. I felt him everywhere I went. I felt the closest to him as I sat at the top of this oak tree in my front yard and felt the wind on my face.

Most of my childhood up to the age of 13 was happy and stable. There were a few events that happened along the way up to the age of 13 that impacted me, such as being molested and exposed to pornography at the age of 10 by a neighborhood boy. Accepting Jesus Christ at the age of 12.

At the age of 13, which was 10 years after my first traumatic life event at the age 3 - my life completely flipped and changed again.

This was the day my grandfather left my grandma and me. This event has burned into my memory forever. I walked home from school that day as I always did. As I was walking up to the front porch, I could hear my grandparents arguing. I had heard them argue before but nothing like this one. I could hear the screaming. My fierce, fearless, fire self, ran inside into the middle of their argument, trying to stop them but it didn’t work.

As I stood there on the sidewalk watching my grandpa throw his bags into his VW bug, I couldn’t stop crying, and was trying to stop him, I could feel my sense of security changing. I remember begging him to stop then yelling at him to just leave and never come back. Meanwhile my grandma was in the house. I watched my grandpa driving off that day feeling devasted. My hero had left that day– the one and only man I ever felt safe with was gone.

That evening, a 13-year-old scared, angry, young girl, became her grandma's best friend, support buddy, and confidant. I remember feeling that I was only happy and OK if she was happy and OK. This is where my codependency started. I began to feel responsible for her well-being and for the next 30 years of her life I was her caretaker. As my journey continued, six months later after my grandpa left us, my dad (their son) died because of his own drug addiction. A year later the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade years my grandma and I moved from my hometown and childhood friends. I learn later in recovery while doing one my 4th step inventory, that move impacted me more than I realized in how I interacted with others and building friendships throughout my life.

After moving, I spent my high school years trying to fit in, hiding my trauma through people pleasing, and my extroverted personality. I mastered the art of fitting in and hiding my pain with my people’s pleasing behaviors, outgoing personality and being funny. Even though I was invited into the groups, I never internally felt pretty enough, good enough, accepted or belonged. By my sophomore year in high school, I was drinking alcohol, smoking pot, igfhting and acting out with sexual tendencies around boys, I was trying to replace the  abandonment from my grandpa, death of my father and the connections I had lost from the move of my hometown friendships.

My grandma told me all the time that she loved me, and I believed her but it still wasn’t filling this empty gap in my heart. Over time my grandma’s and I relationship grew more and more enmeshed and codependent. I remember crying to God at night to bring my grandpa back home so I could feel safe and love again. I had no doubt God heard me but didn’t understand why he wasn’t answering my prayer.

Even in the midst of our hurts, our pain, our struggles, our dysfunction, God still has a plan though. At the age of 16 I had my first spiritual encounter with God at a youth camp in Houston Texas. I was moved into a deep spiritual encounter with God that night and experienced an overwhelming peace within my heart, mind, soul and body, it was a touch from Heaven. After sharing my God experience with my grandma, I applied to a Christian High School in Baton Rouge, Louisiana that was part of a Global Missionary Church. I was accepted and moved there to attend my junior and senior year preparing to do the work for the Lord.

Isaiah 6:8

I heard the voice of the Lord saying whom shall I send and who will go for us and I said here I am Lord, send me.

My dream serving as a missionary for God, in orphanages and villages all around the world was coming true. Well at the age 17 a year later, my first church hurt happened, After attending this Christian High School – I was not selected to come back my Senior year. I was devasted and picked up the identity of failure, rejection and not good enough for God or being a Christian. I was questioning my whole existence at 17 years old. I also picked up an unhealthy behavior during this event as I watched how my Grandma responded unhealthy to the school boards decision and I utilized this form of unhealthy sarcasm behavioral reaction in my adulthood for many years to come.

Shortly after that experience I had a near death experience through a horrible car accident – I walked away without a scratch on me – Boy was the enemy really trying to destroy me even at 17. But God didn’t let go – GOD said NOT TODAY SATAN!

My grandma tried to fix my school situation by sending me to another Christian School. This school was far from what I had experienced at my previous school I didn’t connect with anyone that year, this school was very cliquish, judgmental and not accepting of newcomers. I felt uninvited, left out, and lonely.

I turned 18 in the middle of my senior year and I had enough. I started doubting my calling on my life and I quit school, I left GOD & my family. I call that day the day I decided to go “LEFT” with the world instead of going “RIGHT” with God.

I started drinking, smoking pot, again this time I added speed. I became anorexic due to my bulimia. I was partying all the time, working as a waitress and barely surviving internally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. That same year I broke the one promise I had made to God, and to my grandma and 18 years old I chose to give up my virginity. Now shame and guilt were added to my bag of hurts, hang-ups and habits that I didn’t even know I was carrying at the time.

I became pregnant at 19 (was rejected by my boyfriend) I was living with. I called my grandma who had moved back to Texas but to San Antonio, Texas instead of our home town and I was on the next bus home and 8 months later, I birthed a beautiful girl. At the age of 20 I tried to attend church and get involved again but I just couldn’t bring myself to believe in it all again let alone trust anyone in a church setting. The baggage of my hurts habits and hangups had started to become heavy with disbelief, unworthiness and still filled with guilt and shame!  

Without going into all the details, I will sum up the next 26 years of wilderness that lead me to come to the end of myself by the summer of 2016.  

I had three marriages up to this point. My first marriage we eloped and annulled after two months. My second marriage, I experience being physically, emotionally, sexually and verbally abused. I was blessed with two more beautiful daughters during this marriage. However, by the end of this marriage I was lost, filled with distorted thinking, living life chaotically, scared, on anti-depressants, fearful, struggling with anorexia/bulimia. I lost custody of my two younger daughters through the divorce. Just more stuff added to the bag of hurts, habits and hang-ups I was carry in my heart, mind, body and soul. I lived single for 4 years after the divorce struggling in life, using alcohol, food, and sex to cope. Moving multiple times, trying to regain some form of security/stableness, still a caretaker for my aging grandma while trying to be a single mom to my older daughter and in/out of custody battles with my younger two daughters. My life was needless to say chaotic and full of my own family dysfunction that I was creating now.

At the age of 39, my grandma went to be with the Lord. I had never felt this type of pain ever before. The grieving was tough and I remained sad and angry internally for almost 10 years.

My third marriage we bonded through trauma, family dysfunction and Christianity. I tried to save him from his own alcohol and drug addiction. I even found the perfect place for him in 2008 – called Celebrate Recovery and made sure he went so I went with him. I was in total in denial of my own hurt habits and hangups. I believed and told not only myself, God and others, if my husband would get sober and clean then we could have a great Christian marriage.

During my third marriage at the age of 41, we had been separated for almost 8 months this was our 2nd separation. At this time God ensured my path cross an event called Amazing Grace Retreat. How I got there is another day another story but I call those three days, My get it moment with Jesus. My identity in Christ changed at that Retreat. I touched the foot of the cross and have never looked back since.

I started attending a church called CBC after the retreat. I became a member and started serving in the women's ministry – and on the Amazing Grace ministry team for the next five years. During that time of serving and going to church my third marriage ended in Divorce due to his addictions and my own dysfunctional behaviors. I have now owned and laid at the foot of the cross my part in this Christian marriage. I carried a lot of shame, guilt and the identity of being a divorced woman again. I never use to share the number of divorces I had out of shame and guilty. While I had experienced many great moments over those 5 years attending and serving CBC something was still missing. I was still making some similar choices, still feeling rejected, not good enough or a sense of belonging.  I was afraid that if I told anyone of my internal struggles, I would get dismissed from church. Therefore, I kept wearing the perfect mask. I hid and lied wondering why I couldn’t get past the feelings the struggle of  doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I didn’t know what making a healthy choice looked like anymore or when I made a healthy choice keep it going on my own. I kept failing and more shame more guilt adding to my bag. I started dating someone who was complete opposite of whom I had ever dated before and I handled this relationship with the same old sexual behaviors and treating myself horrible afterwards with the negative self-talk, codependent behaviors.

Coming to the Crossroad in the Journey

By 2016, twenty years later in the wilderness, I was 46, my codependent behaviors with my church friends, my daughters and my love and relationship issues with my boyfriend, had become out of control. I had to step down from the ministry I was in because of my sexual/love addiction choices. I was lashing out at the world, and those closest to me and hurt the one person I thought I would never hurt or lied too and that was my older daughter. She and I had developed our own dysfunctional codependency, enmeshed relationship as well.

That was it, by the age of 46 I was at the end of myself, I had nothing left inside me to give. I told God that summer night– take me now – I can’t do it. I can’t be this perfect person – my fear of being abandoned, out of control, choices, and all the feelings of failures had consumed me.

BUT GOD spoke to me through his word in my heart.

Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed"

My spirit had a deep crushed uninvited wound, I needed to get to the Uninvited root pulled out. I needed to learn how to live loved with God when I felt less than left out and lonely..  and so God brought me to the doors of Celebrate Recovery in October of 2016, I remember that day like it was yesterday

I didn't want to come but I knew I had to stop running from the pain from it ALLLLLLL

I needed to step into the invitation God was calling me too.

That first night at CR I picked up a blue chip the first step of stepping out DENIAL and inviting God In to help me to show up every week - help me to keep coming back because my human flesh wanted to run. I'm not running anymore. I am standing firm on the rock on which I stand on God's rock. 2 Corinthians 1:21 it is God who enables us to stand firm for Christ he is commissioned us he is identified as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us. I have been established anointed and sealed by God nothing can take that away. I no longer live from a place of feeling uninvited, but I live from a place of knowing that I am a child of God I'm chosen I am invited. I started implementing step one into my life everyday. I started learning how to make healthier choices with my emotions and feelings because I realized I needed God to help me manage my emotions and feelings that lead me to make unhealthy choices from my deep hurts. When I would invite God into my hurts, feelings and emotions it took a lot of vulnerability and transparency, but it is well worth it because then the healing could begin. Only God can heal your wounds from your hurts.

Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

I was able to start believing that I with God's help had the power of the Holy Spirit living in me could restore me to sanity and heal my wounds. I also started realizing that every day I have to turn over Linda’s will to God because if I don't I'm going think I could do it better so I go back to step one. I have found freedom with my codependent behaviors. I have found healing from the physical and sexual verbal and emotional and spiritual abuse that I endured as a child and as an adult. Because of attending CR I connected with other women going through their healing journey from abuse and invited me to attend additional classes for survivors of abuse that help me heal from the wounds of abuse. I have overcome some really big hangups in my life such as anxiety ,fear and controlling others. I've worked through making an amends to myself. I've worked through making amends with others and still are working on amends to this day when I mess up. I continue to take a personal inventory of myself daily of what went well and what have been the challenges

I spend time with God as much as I can. I don't do it perfect every day but I also realized my connection with God is not just on Sunday because God's not closed on Sunday he's not closed any day nor should I be with HIM.

I don't want to ever want to imagine what my life would have been like this last eight years without attending Celebrate Recovery. In fact, I know I would not be standing here today living in a healthy place, living in freedom and living in a place of peace and contentment. And honestly can say it is well with my soul.

I used to say. That I was going to be in recovery forever. But I've changed that over the last few months of me sitting with God and Him reminding me that it's not about recovery, it's about progress.

So I say I'll always be a work in progress, one step at a time, one moment at a time, and accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it. Trusting God will make all things right if I surrender to Him daily. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and living supremely happy with him forever in the next.

These steps work if you work them. Recovery works if you allow recovery to work in you. It starts first and foremost and will always be with the relationship with God.

To the newcomer, to the second time, multiple times person who's been doing recovery and to those of us who have been coming back year after year growing, healing and walking freedom. Whatever space you're in tonight this is the beginning of the healing, the breakthroughs, and the freedom of something that's happening in your life for 2025! Keep coming back. It works if you work it, and you're worth it!

Loved and Restored

I close with this love letter that I wrote to myself a couple of years ago while walking through another 4th step inventory for the third time. It really helped with my healing journey from tragedy – trauma – to triumph

To the little 3-year-old girl who was rescued from an unhealthy situation and set up on a Solid Rock in a safe home. I want you to know that you're safe now and everything's going to be OK. You Have been Chosen, Handpicked by God!  

To the 10 year old girl whose innocence was violated I want you to know that you have a voice and God has redeemed your innocence

To the 12 year old girl who accepted Jesus Christ and felt that she had finally met her savior. He was right there with you and he's never left you!

To the 13 year old girl who lost her father and her grandfather all in the same year one through death and one through divorce your heavenly father stepped in, became your father and has protected you all the way and is still protecting you.

To the unique teenage girl who struggled searching for love and her identity who was called names and made fun of and never felt accepted, invited or belonged. God wants you to know you've always belonged and you've always been accepted you've always been invited.  You have a unique thumbprint from God. It is exactly the uniqueness God has for you to be a light and salt in this world SO EMBRACE YOUR UNIQUENESS

To the 17 year old girl who had a head on collision and walked out of it – God has always covered with you with his feathers and under his wing you will find refuge. Psalms 91:4

To the 18 year old girl who was at the crossroads of her life and had a choice to go right or go left and chose left and started running. God left the 99 that day just for you and HE ran after you and HE kept running after you until you stopped running he wasn't going to stop running after you. You don't have to run anymore.

To the 19 year old young women who found out that she was pregnant with life and the guilt and the shame that was put up on her from her family. You no longer have to live in guilt and shame from that choice you made because God gave you life to give life and that you have done and you've done it well as a Mom!

Joel 2:22-27

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm[a]—my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
27 Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

To the young woman in her 20s who lived and endured a very hard marriage of emotional mental sexual and physical abuse who felt like she didn't have a voice well your voice has been heard and restored.

To the woman in her 30s who kept running -searching for love in all the wrong places you no longer have to search for love for your already loved by the almighty God. He has called you and he has loved you before you were even born and conceived in your mother's womb.

Jeremiah 1:5: "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I sanctified you; and I ordained you a prophet to the nations"

To the women in her 40’s who thought she had failed God, her children, her family, her friends, it is in our feelings of failure we discover how strong we really are – even when we think we fail in Christ we are not failures.

Proverbs 24: 16 For a righteous man falleth seven times, and riseth up again;….

At to the women standing here in her 50’s - you were woven for a season such as this –you were not made for easy times if so God would have had you born in a different time in a different season.

Just Esther 4:14

you're woven for this moment in your mother's womb, you were built and born for such a time as this..

And to the future woman that God is building in me for my 60s, seventies, 80s and 90s.

Keep running the race. God has equipped you. God has empowered you. God is sanctifying you along the way.

Hebrews  12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with the perseverance the race marked out for us.

God has created you on purpose for purpose, and His purpose will always come to pass. You are Loved and a Warrior for God!

I would encourage you to sit down and write an encouraging, love letter to yourself this year!

Thank you God, for this moment of me being able to share your message in my mess, Your Test in my monies, Your Love to those of us feeling unlovable and Your Victory of Celebrating my Recovery from tragedy – to trauma – to TRIUMPH

Revelation 12: 11 They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

A Daughter of God,

Linda Sharp-Clark